Nap Time Rocks!

mood: back is aching, go figure
music: none, the hum of the fan
if only i could: get the latest seasons of prison break and grey’s anatomy

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mcdreamy, mcsteamy, grey’s anatomy
backaches, the weather, unsuited shirts
the sims 2, desperate housewives, and star world
america’s next top model
“congratulations you’re still in the running for america’s next top model”
and ETC
it’s alive and kicking!
uninspiring boredom
reconciling floating accounts and turning down clients due to budget constraints
counting the days till christmas… and january…
waiting for prison break season 2 and grey’s anatomy season 3
fatigue and backaches!
smiling when she moves and i can see it through my shirt

for those who are asking how i’m doing… see incoherent thoughts above.

Sorrow is better than laughter,
because a sad face is good for the heart.
Ecclesiastes 7:3 NIV

how exactly does sadness contribute to my well being?? i’ve been complaining all day about the current status of my (hormonal) self, never bothering to look at the bright side, and have a perpetual rain cloud over my head.

bah humbug.

coming home early from work, i hear this pastor on the radio; my mom has just tuned in to DZAS. i think he was talking to me when he said, “kung malungkot ka, eh di malungkot ka! matatapos din yang kalungkutan mo. magsasawa din yan sayo. sa bawat segundo na ginagawa mong takpan ng kaligayahan ng mundo ang kalungkutan mo, maraming oras, araw at taon ang ipangbabayad mo diyan.” that was straightforward. i started to protest quietly that i wasn’t going to, but i remembered many a time that i’ve tried to drown my sadness by going out, laughing out loud at my friends’ jokes, or even dancing the night away. in fact, i was planning to go out tonight to that johnny walker party in manila because i was bored.

truth is, i feel so empty inside. and my solution to my problem is to go out and try to forget about it; let the loud bass replace the beating of my heart, the drunken people sway me to another time and place, and everything else make me less human so i won’t feel hollow. but im home. safe and sound in my bedroom, where the only beating sound is the rain on the rooftop. surprisingly, i feel half full now. i’ve dissected my problem in my mind, and i’ve translated some of it in words.

more than anything, i let myself to just be sad. i am sad, i am lonely. i feel like crying until my tear glands dry up. i pour my heart out to Him. for the complex feelings that are making a carnage out of my being, i let God handle that. He knows.

so how has sadness helped me? it has made me familiar with The Solution to all problems that i haven’t been aware of for a long time until now.

have you ever had a friend who you’ve always thought would be there for you always? that no matter what, he will never forget, never turn his back, never deny you friendship?

have you ever had a friend who just did the complete opposite of all that?

nothing can describe how i feel about you now; you left me hanging. i just launched into a very difficult time in my life, one that i never thought i would experience when we were kids, playing with matchbox cars in dirty clothes and snot in our noses. you just asked me what happened, and that was it. how could you have so much coldness for me, that you never even bothered to check back?

it was enough for us that we only get to talk once in a while. but there are friendships, like those common forwarded text messages would say, that are content to be ‘invisible’. we’re both busy, you have a lovelife to sustain, i have my own problems to deal with. but that was not a hindrance to our familiarity with each other. but right that moment, that i was practically screaming (well virtually anyway) for help, i never found it.

i dont want to hate you for not being there for me. you have a life of your own, probably even more important than mine. i just hope that when the day comes that we see each other again, i will have enough courage to tell you how you made me feel today and that im ready to forgive you still.

things I’ve learned looking back at the past year:

how time flies. And it seems to tick by even faster every year.

**

it gets busier year after year, no matter how hard you get into the Christmas spirit. Your inaanak/favorite niece or nephew list grows longer every year, and you really don’t have a choice.

**

how do people celebrate Christmas? is it still the same as last year?

**

I know now how it feels to sacrifice something for someone and realize that person has the complete freedom to either appreciate your gift, reject it, be thankful, or return the one thing that you ask. I have the slightest idea now how God must feel about his sacrifice.

**

a glimpse of what real love means. and it hurt most of the time. kinda like nails being hammered through your hands.

**

everything I’ve gone through this year have not been coincidences. to learn from the mistakes and build on the successes is my next big challenge this new year.

**

you can gain friends as fast as losing them.

**

alcohol is the biggest traitor.

**

you can always be successful just as long as you are faithful to Him. but even then, when we are infidels, he cannot deny himself and be one among us. I can never get this thing about grace and mercy, but he shows it best. This hasn’t been my best year but I guess he has his reasons why im still standing up.

**

getting what you want or need is a matter of financial management. I am no guru in the area but my secret? microsoft excel.

**

some good things never last, but some do. It’s all a matter of sifting through the ones that do and doing away with those that don’t. I just have to learn how to be thankful for them and move on.

**

to be continued…

a couple of months ago, I realized I had too much loose change left in my pocket (and my bags too) at the end of the day, that even when I rummaged through my bag for my pen or a lip gloss I could feel (rather annoyingly) them lying at the bottom. so I found an empty plastic container that used to be a perfume case and put all those useless change in it. after a week or two, I noticed that the coins were already half the container high.

I thought, this could be the start of a beautiful partnership between my coins and i. once I ran out of money to pay my mom some (unwillingly accumulated) debts and since the wallet and the atm were particularly useless at that time, my makeshift alkansya saved the day. it wasn’t much, but still.

tonight I went out with friends and just had to have that occasional unnecessary pricey coffee at this place, and realized I had no money on me left for tomorrow. thinking the nostroum (that’s the name of the alkansya, named after the perfume it once housed) can somehow augment my momentary state of poverty, I went home and counted my treasure.

aha, well im getting just enough for lunch tomorrow. or so I thought. something just tugged at my sleeve and made me realize that some people need this money more than I do. i’ve almost forgotten how it feels like to be an answer to somebody else’s prayer. while I’m busy drinking from my overpriced plastic cup, some people have been trying to save up enough for transport fares.

I’m not saying this to brag, but I’m so damn lucky to have just enough for myself and my family. a friend of mine told me how he has to help his grandmother and some relatives through financially. I mean, how much have I even done to help other people besides my mom, dad, or brothers? I vowed that this next one will go to somebody who needs it.

for now I put the lid back on the nostroum. I can wait until payday. these coins need to go somewhere else other than another unnecessary expense.

everything about life i learned from jogging…

life is one big loop; it always goes full circle (well sometimes it’s square or oval, sometimes it’s just shapeless).

no matter how long you’ve been going down the same path everyday, there’s always one undiscovered route you’ve never taken and it’s exciting to take it.

don’t try to overtake those who’ve been at it for a really long time lest you tire yourself out just outdoing them and forget why you’re doing this in the first place.

it’s nice to have company along, but it’s also good to be alone once in a while.

nooninooninoo…

i just realized, men really are melodramatic too. eddie guerrero just pointed that out to me this morning, spitting into the microphone that Dominick was his real son. as if life couldn’t be any crueler to Rey Mysterio. he rises from his agony and finally manages to defeat the ruthless guerrero for the custody of his kid. hahahaha. WWE is one big soap opera — for men.

the male species is particularly deterred abhorred repulsed shunned away by the word “marriage”. my guy friends told me how, even being with the current loves of their lives for not less than 3 years, they are driven to explore the “world out there”. there are just too many fish in the sea, they say. there’s always one that’s better than the current one. there is, isn’t there? and there always will be.

my ideals have been shattered by these same polygamous creatures i call friends. i’m still thankful for them, i really am. because despite their confusing behavior, my ideals have found a different basis on which to grow on. it’s true men take longer to grow up. to my fellow intelligent kind, wait for your men to mature, then serve on a platter with your choice of garnish.

when it’s time to say goodbye, you just say it.

no more hesitations, no more second-thoughts, no more if’s, but’s or if ever’s. the more you prolong it the more it digs its claws deeper into the soil of your heart and you can never let go.

how you say it wouldn’t really matter because the person receiving it has already begun to disintegrate into a tiny million pieces since you utter the word ‘goodbye’.

don’t ever resent the one who says goodbye because some way or the other, in some other unseen universe, it is always for your own good.

how it fits into the larger picture, from the cubist’s perspective, will perpetually be unknown to you until that day you hold another piece in your hand and you begin to find again where it must go.

it will never be easy.

nurse the pain, never ignore the hurt, isolate yourself if you must, but pick up the pieces. these will come in handy when the time comes.

be strong. the source of strength may appear to have vanished, but there are your friends, your family, and always Him.

the world will continue to spin, the sun to rise and the moon to shine, and blood to flow.

when it’s time to say goodbye, you just say it.

alam ko matagal kitang pinaghintay noon. gusto mo kong tulungan pero sabi kong wag na, kaya ko naman na hindi ikaw ang kasama eh. sayang lang panahon mo sakin.

pero pinilit mo ko. pinilit mong gamitin kita. di rin kita matanggihan, wala na akong choice.

sandali lang tayo nagsama. noon nandyan ka lang, sa tabi, tahimik, di mo ko pinakikialaman. kahit na i settled for less minsan mo lang ako sinumbatan. ‘ayan kasi, anong napala mo?!’ oo alam ko, mali ako noon. sana nilubos ko na ang pagsasama natin noon.

ngayon, wala ka na. iniwan mo na ako. sana masaya ka kung nasan ka man, di man lang ako nakapagpaalam. sana mapasaya mo ang nagmamay-ari sayo ngayon kung pano din ako sumaya sa ‘yo. sana marami kayong marating, tulad nung magkasama tayo. sana mahalin at alagaan ka din niya tulad ng ginawa ko para sa ‘yo. sana.

ako? makakahanap din ako ng iba, balang araw.

—–

in memory of my silver Cross pen that managed to slip out of my pocket this afternoon. it probably moved on to a better ‘after pen-life’. sniff.

i miss joking around with my friends,

…and looking up the stars at night and just think about nothing. i saw 4 falling stars that night in cavite,

…and not being alone. mushy.