Nap Time Rocks!

rethinking someone

i’m rethinking someone. he’s appeared in my thoughts again. just like that.

i don’t know why, but during the long drive to pampanga today, i remembered him. though it was my brother who drove for me, i remembered how he used to drive for me.

and how we used to have long conversations about anything under the sun and they would still seem like they were the most sensible things in the world to talk about.

how he drove me home one night i was ‘temporarily incapacitated’ and he never took advantage.

i’m rethinking you, ain’t that grand?

Iris’ 7 tips to know if the guy you’re with is up to no good

• he’s already committed (in a relationship, engaged, married, whatever they want to call it). most men are really just naturally (and annoyingly) polygamous.
• he’s gay. or pretending to be one. either way, you can never get anything real from that person.
• he’s single and he’s ready to mingle with you. and her. and her. and her. and her. and her too.
• you’ve touched 3rd base and you just can’t remember his name. he doesn’t even know yours, for crying out loud. you said you’re Nikki when you’re really Michelle.
• all you can talk about is the weather or that the toilet backed up this morning… at times of desperation, you talk about the neighbor’s dog.
• his archive of sex videos, scandals and/or photos will shame the National Library’s vastness of collections. i don’t know about you, but someone idolizing hayden kho’s ‘antics’ might not exactly have that much respect for womankind.
• his theme song is “I’ve got a girl” by Lou Bega. look it up and go figure.

not that i’ve had so much experience, but i guess being surrounded by guys almost all my life has its “perks” too — one of which is knowing who to avoid when dating. oh, and by the way, these are all based on real characters

mia’s 1st blog post

hi, my name is Mishka Andrea, but everyone else calls me Mia. except maybe for my pedia doctor who calls me Mishka. i like it either way even though i can’t pronounce it.

you know, i’m not all eat, poop and sleep. i can sing my ABCs, Twinkle Twinkle, Rain Rain Go Away, and Happy Birthday all on my own. i can count up to 12 now, and even count in espanol, thanks to Dora.

i like imitating my lola photocopy stuff with that white machine which my mom always tells me not to touch. i do anyway. buttons are soo nice to press and it makes me feel like a grown up!

i regularly eat itty bitty meals now, and i think my mom is very happy with me. but i like McDo apple pie, ketchup on just about anything, noodle pasta or rice without anything on it, and Cookie Crisps. i can eat kalamansi without wincing! my mom says my taste is really weird. sometimes i eat better when we’re dining out, and i think it’s because of the pretty bright lights and nice tables and spoons to mess around with.

i’m quite the party girl too ’cause i love to sing and dance. you can play any song and i’ll dance to it, even native music which my tito ian plays sometimes. he says it’s for school, but i think sometimes they just love to see me dance ’cause i’m good at it. and as you can see, i’m a very good model.

i know all basic shapes when mommy shows me stuff, and i know the letters of the alphabet! well, most of them. Z is for Zebra, you know. i’m still learning colors but i got Blue right, i think.

i love wearing dresses, especially long, billowy ones. i like how it flaps around me when i twirl. i’d ask my mom to let me wear one even when i don’t have to leave the house. and i like putting on make up too, just like lola and mommy. but i think they just pretend to put some on me when i ask them. sneaky, sneaky.

that’s about it. i’m one happy little girl that loves everything cute, cuddly, shiny, and sweet. oh, and i love bubble baths too!

Water therapy

Healing takes some time, a fact I haven’t exactly embraced with arms wide open. After all who wants to get stuck in a place where you don’t know where you are, whether in somebody else’s life or life itself? But I’m on the way there. It takes some time, but I think I’ve passed the majority of the timeline.

Al Pacino in 88 Minutes said, “time does not heal the wound. It will though, in its most merciful way, blunt the edge ever so slightly.” Whoever thought of that line must be given an award.

What do you do then, to pass the time? To wait until it hits you, that life is just waiting to be lived again? I’ve tried it, letting myself drown in work, but after some time it backfires. You never want burnout while you’re in the process of moving on. That’s double jeopardy.

I’ve realized the water is my therapy. Whether it’s going to the beach, swimming in the pool, or just plain looking at it (let alone taking pictures of it), it relaxes me. I think it has something to do with our psychological predisposition to go back to our mother’s womb where we’re surrounded with water. It’s a comfy and secure place (for a fetus), albeit a little disgusting. But it’s true, I’ve read it somewhere.

I’ve thought of keeping pet fishes again like we used to. I was never the one to clean out the aquarium but I really think it adds some zen to your house, whatever that means. I’d like to get some stuff from North Coast Pets for the aquarium if that happens. There are some pretty cool stuff in there for the fishies like organic pet food and coral reef replicas. Talk about therapy. For now, I’m going to plan another trip to the beach with some best friends. Nothing beats that coping strategy.

Paradise [lp]

Gusto kong sinusuot ang damit na ito pag pumupunta ng beach dahil presko at summer na summer ang kulay.

Actually, ang entry ko ngayon ay pinilit lang Kasi gusto ko lang ishare ang napakagandang beach ng Club Paradise sa Dimakya Island sa Palawan! Nagpunta kasi kami doon nung weekend, all expense paid. Sales incentive naman kasi. At sobrang bitin ang 3 days!

Ikaw saan sa Palawan ka na nakapunta?

—

Blouse o Polo? Ikaw mamili.

Canon EOS 400D. Palawan. 2009.

Happy endings

I am really truly happy for some of my friends who have found the happiness they deserve. One got a Starbucks planner, a bag, and a devotional from someone really special on her birthday today. this time last year we were thinking if she would ever like anyone enough to consider getting into a relationship.

Two others just got married. Several more are expected to tie the knot this year. I mean, the love bug seemed to have gone on a biting spree in the last 2 years.

But happy endings don’t grow on trees. Some of us suffer well long enough before ending up walking the aisle. Some too long they don’t even recover. But what is it that really matters?

And I won’t even try to sugarcoat it. At the end of the day, it’s if you did the right thing even if it damn hurts; if you realize your worth not just to others but your self-worth; if you find that you are capable of forgiving more than what is deserved; if you can love even after Everything.

Most of the time I don’t get it and why God would even allow it to happen. But now I realize that in all of these, it’s either you end up with someone and you become more understanding, or you end up alone but you become more mature. Either way you’re supposed to become a better person. If it doesn’t then that’s a different story.

So to my friends who are in the process of finding their happy endings, let’s not give up. Nobody said it would be easy, they just said it would be worth it. And who said God didn’t care?

He’s sometimes in that glimmer of hope. Or in that last strands of patience. Or the unexpected call. Or the bits of strength that get you through the day. Or the random coffee nights. Or even that once in a while bump-into-someone kind of events.

Who knows diba? Then maybe one of these days I’d be writing about how we found those happy endings after all.

hates

i hate that i don’t get to write more often these days because of my schedule.

i hate that i can’t feel the cold because i have to close my windows so i don’t get asthma because of the dust.

i hate that i seem to have lost my inspiration to write short stories and whatnots.

i hate that you (not you, dear reader) are detrimental to my mental and emotional health.

hate too that it’s late at night and i’m still up. hehe.

i hate that no matter what kind of preventive measure i do, mia still gets sick.

i hate that i’m complaining, so i’ll shut up now.

…

when suddenly you find that you have nothing left to say…

when one morning you wake up and find no reason to get up…

when even the most mundane of things put tears in your eyes…

lt’s time to take a break.

So l’ll see you soon ok? hope you’re still here when l get back.

you’re right thess. maybe l should just take pictures.

Happily never after

I don’t think I want this anymore
As she drops the ring to the floor
She says to herself: ‘You’ve left before’
This time you will stay gone, that’s for sure More »

A September 13th entry

I realize it’s been 4 days since I last blogged. So time to update the blog. Here you go.

When will anyone answer my offers for lunch? I’ve been asking friends to go out for lunch. Long-unseen friends. But they’re all indisposed one way or another.

Oh frustrations. When will I answer the phone and actually be happy doing it? When are you going to call? Why am I even asking?

Oh gaaaahd. “Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near?” Another time, Karen. I’m not in the mood. Hit the Next button.

Thank goodness for Caramel Machiatto and friendly Starbucks people.

Whaaat?? We’ve only just begun? Next!

Please let this day be over. Quick and painless.

Letters from ancient Rome

Well not really from Rome, I just wanted to give this post an apt title. I just uncovered some love letters and not-so-love letters from ages ago (and yes you can bet it’s cheeeeesy) and I just had to relive the memories…

—

R,

You know what, I’m tired. I’m tired of playing the game with you. You play me for a fool, every time we’re together lagi nalang tayo nag-aaway. Nakakasawa na. Ewan ko ba kung bakit nato-tolerate ko pa. Maybe because I love you too much. Too much it hurts. I want to believe you, but can you blame me if I find it so hard to do? I have a reason, don’t I? So hindi pala ako

paranoid for no reason. Lahat ng iniisip ko about you tama.

How could you do this? You’re making me feel like a spare tire, something to fall back on, just in case. You know what, I don’t deserve this. I keep thinking I should give you the benefit of the doubt but you just don’t give me enough reason to. I feel like I really don’t mean that much to you and that you’re just using me to feed your ego and to feel

secure. Well, wake up boy. Not everything has to go your way.

Note: Written during the frustrated days of being with someone whose habit was to be chronically unfaithful.

—

R,

I am gonna miss you. I’d lie if I say I wouldn’t. Why you have to go away this far, maybe it’s for the best. So I wouldn’t have to see you every week, so I wouldn’t have to look forward to seeing you every time. When you come back, when you’re through there in B, I don’t know if I’ll still be here then. Of course I’ll be here, I’m not going anywhere literally. But I don’t know if I’d still be here — for you.

Or maybe it’ll be the other way around. Maybe when you come back, you won’t be coming back to me. Maybe to someone else. Maybe it’ll still be her. Maybe when you’re away you’d still love her. She will still be your girlfriend.

It hurts, saying these things to myself. Trying to convince myself that you’re not the one for me. That I shouldn’t be loving you at all. I’m trying my best, R. I’m trying my best to unlove you. After all these years. Now you’re going away, maybe it’ll be a lot easier to unlove you.

You’ll be farther away, I won’t be seeing you, and some sinister self-gratifying thought tells me that you’ll be far away from her too. That seems oddly enough for me.

I love you, I still do. Hopefully that ends now, now that you’re leaving. Take care of yourself.

Note: About a year after finding out that the object of my desire and hatred was transferring elsewhere for work.

—

It’s amazing how emotions are contained in handwritten letters. These days, text messages don’t even do you justice. How could have we taken it for granted? Of course these letters were not sent at all; they were just outlets. Still, writing everything down can make a big difference compared to typing it up. Won’t you agree?

Waiting in vain

What’s it like to wait for someone, or something, not knowing if it will ever come?

It’s a killer. You exhaust your list of things to do, hoping that in the middle of watching a rerun of FRIENDS your phone might ring.

But it doesn’t. You’ve finished a bag of 500-calorie chips and nobody’s still knocking at your door.

Your heart melts into an unrecognizable pulp because you’ve waited for far too long.

Until it’s too late.

The one you’ve been waiting for finally gets there and you’re already gone.

—

Scanned my old Film 110 plates taken in college for a photo story-themed project. I don’t remember if I ever got a 1.0 on this one, but I remember having fun. Camera: Minolta, Film: Fuji black and white.

No more.

Enough is enough.

Though this be the last pain that he makes me suffer,
and these the last verses that I write for him.

– More »

Time flies [WS]

… they say, when you’re having fun. Days are going by so fast but I’m not exactly having a blast. Except when it’s spent with Mia,

or in a warm bath with no one to bother you but the alarm clock that says it’s dinner time.

I got lucky to get a room to myself during a 1 1/2 day convention at the Renaissance Hotel. It was lonely at first but after a looong day, the bath was such a welcome distraction to my then-depressed state.

What do you do, when something like a permanent fixture in your life gets yanked out? For me It’s like pulling the plug in the drain. The water quickly disappears into the hole and you wish you went down with it. Crushed. Alone, again.

I wish it was Monday again.

Separation anxiety — who, me?

I never thought I would be the one under the microscope. Well at least under my own scrutiny. Being a single mom means to me that I should never break down, should worry the least, and be the strongest. Now it isn’t so. I hate to admit it, but I think I’m the one having feelings of separation anxiety from Mia. I knew it would be tough being a working mom but I never realized it would be this hard. I’ve always had my self-confidence intact but being away from home at least 10 hours a day (and some days I leave home while Mia’s still asleep or I get hom and she’s asleep) has eaten away parts of it.

Just the other night, Mia woke up at 2am crying, because of a bad dream probably, and she didn’t want her mommy. I did everything to soothe her: rocked her, hugged her, told her ‘it’s ok mommy’s here’. But she said no, no, no’, cried and bawled until my mom went up to my room and took her to calm her down. When the room went quiet that’s when I realized how useless I felt.

I thought to myself, can I not calm even my own baby? Is the attachment that temporary between us? It’s over-paranoia I know, but you do get that feeling sometimes. Before when I come home, she used to greet me with a wide smile and hug me. Lately it’s just a stare if I’m lucky, and she won’t even come to me when I call her. The TV is a tough competition. I want to tell my mom or whoever’s taking care of her when I get home to avoid watching television when she’s around. Because she tends to get glued to it. Nevertheless, the detachment has affected me more than I would have wanted.
Lately I’ve ‘forced’ her to notice me by being giving her lots and lots of attention, so much so that I’m now worrying that I might spoil her on the other hand. So what should I do? I really hate the feeling.