Nap Time Rocks!

I’m not used to telling stories about myself in the first person, that’s why I like writing short stories. This is the first time I’m actually writing about this chapter in my life, so please bear with me. This is the story of how Mia came to be.

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Head strong, weak heart. That’s always been me ever since I can remember. I’ve been to hell and back and am still mercifully alive. I have lots of stories to tell about how I’ve been to battle, but there is this one that will tell, however seemingly trivial, how God gave me just enough strength to survive.

The world seemed to stop spinning or everything was in slow motion. The longest 3 minutes of my life stretched to forever until the shock wore off.

No, I’m hallucinating. I’m just seeing double, I thought. But the double lines on the small strip of plastic were not lying. It was the second one that morning and it sure was not lying. I didn’t know how to react or just which feeling I was having that moment to process. It was actually a mixture of fear and denial for the most part. But there were no tears; no, those would come later. I began to gather myself without much objective that morning but to get through it.

The first call was made. The person on the other end of the line was as incredulous as I was. Though he took it better than I expected, he was just as clueless about what to do next. Several words were exchanged, it’s going to be ok, we’ll see a doctor. But everything went by in a blur, and I wake up the next morning feeling even worse.

No amount of consoling would ever make things better during the next few weeks. I was in misery, but on a different plane; like trapped in a parallel universe where only I existed. In a week I nearly lost the baby because of stress-related issues and spotting was an obvious result. But the doctor confirmed that it was all ok, and I just had to take some medication just to make sure that the pregnancy continues.

Out of desperation we decide to terminate and just suffer through the consequences of taking a life. For both of us, at that time, there was simply no choice; we had a lot to lose if this was to continue. I was then enjoying the freedom of my career and he was on his way to fulfill his own. Besides, the baby was not exactly happening in the right circumstances. But whatever it was, God does have ways of getting your attention.

One Saturday a week later and one day after we score some lethal stuff in Quiapo, I hear my baby’s hearbeat. The fetal doppler slid on my stomach and caught what was first a faint dub-dub. As the doctor adjusted the doppler, the heartbeat became more pronounced. It was alive! I realized that pregnancy tests can do a lot of injustice in telling that there is a live being inside your tummy. Right there, in my OB’s clinic while my baby’s heart dub-dubbed, I decided to keep it no matter what. My friend’s words echoed in my head, “It’s just not an option.”

Of course, the decision was not exactly met with welcome arms by that other person. He changes heart later on, but not before a lot of painful words were exchanged between us. I said that I can take care of the baby without him; I am self-sufficient enough and have a strong support system in my family and friends.

It was a difficult frist step, accepting the events that followed: having to tell mom and dad, the relatives, the closest friends. The father just couldn’t be there for us so I go through this with the people who truly love me. For a mother to learn that her only girl has to go through pain and disgrace in this form is unbearable. But she sticks by her, no matter what. She becomes the continuous reminder to her daughter that though this is the start of her many sacrifices, at the end there is always hope and something to look forward to. God still is faithful; He never leaves you out in the cold even if you had deliberately thrown yourself out.

At five months, we decided to have an ultrasound to see if it was going to be a boy or a princess. Since a lot of people were commenting on how I looked nice (no boasting intended) during my pregnancy, we assumed that it was a girl. And it is! My friends were actually more excited than I was that I was getting a “little doll” to dress up.

Weeks pass and being an active person, I began to take my condition a little too much for granted. Work took up much of my time and soon, my strength as well. It began on the early morning of November 20, 2006 at 3 a.m. I was only 33 weeks (or 7 months) on the way.

Time it. If it comes every 5 minutes, I’m probably in labor. Relax.I tried to focus in the dark. The waves of stomach cramps did come every five minutes but I dismissed it because simply, labor cannot possibly come this early since the baby wasn’t due for another 2 months. I just could not accept it. After about 2 hours, the pain went away and I went back to sleep. A few more hours later, I got up, got ready for work and forgot to mention anything to my mom about the incident earlier.

On the way to a sales conference at Crowne Plaza, I feel a little bit sluggish, my swollen tummy feeling like it was ready to burst, and I was already tremendously uncomfortable. I stopped by the office to run an errand and even stopped by an officemate’s table to ask, “Susan, ano feeling pag manganganak ka na?” (“Susan, how does it feel to be in labor?”).

Ortigas Avenue, 9.30 a.m. I felt the first gush of water and decided not to panic yet. When it happened twice while I was nearing the hotel, I was absolutely sure that this was it. I am in labor. My mom hurriedly told me to go straight to the hospital where my OB doctor was. I couldn’t wait for someone to come down from the conference and help me, so I went on my own. Yes, I drove myself to the hospital in panic. It was difficult but I guess when it’s a matter of life and death you zone out and just focus on one thing only: get there alive.

I did get there alive. I had to through EDSA and traffic was a little bit bad. I was in constant communication with my doctor on the phone and her secretary was also telling me to calm down and drive safely. I managed to reach the hospital and the funny thing is, I even parked my car! (I did manage to bump into one of the parked motorcycles without much damage). When I get to my doctor’s clinic, she tells me that I am 4cm dilated. A few more and I’m ready to go. That’s actually when my water bag broke.

I was prepped for labor in a few minutes and gave birth to a fragile little girl at 2:05 p.m. I just have to say that it was one of the most grueling experiences in my life, if not the most. I was not given any anesthetic so I could push her out because my doctor said the anesthesia might inhibit the baby’s breathing. (The giving birth part must be another post; I cannot possibly begin to narrate how unbearable the pain is. But I guess the mothers out there would already know how it is like to deliver normally. And I am not trying to scare the mothers-to-be :))

I woke up in a drugged state; it was like perpetually being inside a rotating kaleidoscope with voices echoing inside my head. But the only thing I could think of was my baby. Thankfully she was ok; she was automatically put in an incubator since she’s a preemie. But other than that, the doctor said she was fine*.

The first time I saw my Mishka Andrea I cried. Out of happiness and out of sadness. I couldn’t bear to see her helpless like that. I just wanted to hold her and take her home, but I couldn’t. It was only after a few days that her doctor allowed me to hold her through the incubator. But it was one of the most precious times for us. Every time I was allowed inside the nursery, I made sure that I let Mia know that I was there for her and that everything is going to be fine. I was always teary-eyed and some of the nurses there tried to cheer me up.

For 2 weeks I couldn’t sleep because of some things that happened to Mia**. The apnea, sepsis, possible structural heart problem just scared the hell out of me when they were brought up by my doctors. It came to a point that my parents were already preparing me for anything to happen to my baby. I just couldn’t accept it. I was ready to do anything for her.

But God being merciful, everything went fine and after 1 month and 9 days in the hospital, Mia was finally allowed to come home with me.

This is how it all came to be. This is how God remained faithful despite my inability to trust Him completely. I was wounded by my own blade, but somehow He saved me. At this point I am still on the way to healing and putting my life back together. My family has given me a great deal of support and love through it all, and my friends have shown me the real meaning of friendship.

This is how, in all my frailty, He will still do many things in my life. And we, Mia and I, will look forward to it.

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*(The weeks after that were also quite an experience and you can read my posts about it under the All About Mia category)