sleep is a luxury for me now. i haven’t had a restful night since last weekend because of mia. she has had her 2nd episode of apnea and erratic heartrate since my last entry. they almost had to transfer her to philippine heart center because the doctors just couldn’t figure out what was causing the apnea and arrhythmia. since the cardiologist who checked on her yesterday ruled out the possibility of a structural heart problem, maybe i can rest a little. it still doesn’t rule out the infections though.

this morning her pedia did a lumbar tap (spinal tap) on her. finding out that your child had to be probed and tested on is the most horrible feeling in the world. if only i could do it for her. i just console myself that this is for her own good. at least after the doctor rules out any infections i can breathe a little more.

when i came to visit her in the nursery this morning, i couldn’t help but cry. i wouldn’t have normally done that, considering that i was also talking to her pedia at the same time, but i just didn’t care anymore. i was going crazy blaming myself for everything that happened to mia. and there was nothing else i could do but pray to Him.

one thing i discovered, forgiveness is a wonderful thing. no matter how horrible a person can be, that slate can be wiped clean. yes, even the filthiest, defiled and mangled thing can be restored anew. if only it is offered to God wholly. maybe i haven’t given entirely, maybe i still withhold many for myself, hence the consequences. still God is gracious, He always fulfills His end of the deal. and why wouldn’t i trade all of this for that luxury? a good night’s sleep, is priceless.