Nap Time Rocks!

continued. Raya.

my name is raya, and this is the end of my life as I know it. I looked out my third-storey window and saw only rooftops, treetops, and the grey sky overhead that hung like a gloomy backdrop to my life. the morning could not get any worse; my life just took a turn for the worst, because this week, I just found out I am going to have a baby.

To make matters more difficult, there was no easy way to break the news to my parents. It’s hard enough that we are financially short right now and I won’t be helping at all with this situation. Plus, there will be no father.

I chose to uncomplicate both our lives by giving his back. he never argued. I haven’t started picking up the pieces because honestly, I don’t know where to start. No one can save me now.

I was one of those people who thought that single moms were as irresponsible as they could be. i mean, why get into that kind of situation in the first place if you can’t afford it? I just put a big bet on a losing horse. I spoke too soon. Now, im condemning myself to self-proclaimed “loser-dom”.

Why, in spite of the advancement of science and the invention of prophylactics, have we chosen foolishness and wanton desires be the blight of our existence? Why, after all the Sunday school and bed time Bible stories, I chose to live a life of contradictions.

It’s too late to answer those questions now. I have a life, or two, to plan now. For the first time in many months, I actually cried and prayed.

OB doctor’s clinic, 1st check up.

Raya lay half-exposed on the clinic bed, shifting uncomfortably with her feet up on cold metal stirrups. She began to think happy thoughts and wished all of this to be over. The doctor came in and began to ask questions, as if she was just an old friend dropping by to have coffee. She answered as best as she could, trying not to feel alienated by her own body.

It was a quick check up, one that managed to distress and make her squirm just for a little while. Raya exhaled loudly, as if holding her breath for the last five minutes, as soon as she was allowed to put her pants back on. she walked slowly back to the kind old doctor’s table.

The doctor wrote a short note on her pad, something that said to be taken for thirty days. She nodded obediently and folded the note into her purse, and was actually surprised to be told that she was six weeks pregnant. Next appointment would be four weeks from now.

After the check up. Raya.

I expected to have a strange feeling about this, but not — joy. When I came into the hospital I had almost chewed my nails off because I was terrified to hear that I was right. That my life is about to change in the next couple months, plus a couple of pounds more.

I was terrified more than anything else, of the life that I wasn’t sure I was ready to embrace. but what’s this? am I actually smiling? Am I actually starting to get excited about coming up with cute baby names and being called a ‘mom’? are my friends’ enthusiasm actually rubbing off on me?

i don’t know why I feel like it’s such a crime to feel happy for myself. After a life lived out full of mistakes and short of people’s expectations, this is definitely a novelty for me. Maybe it’s because I’ve always found myself genuinely happy when other people are happy. Or when I managed to meet somebody else’s standards. Or when I have made a real difference in someone else’s life.

this was going to be different. I can start fresh, for both of us. I will have my family, my friends. I realized I have Someone to draw strength from. I don’t have to be alone through all of this.

—

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